I lost a friend.

and have been left struggling to locate myself.

I’ve been mostly writing comedy pieces on here, but it’s just the fucking worst time of the year for anyone experiencing loss, so I thought I would let my guard down and tell you the truth… which is that I’m… spiraling.

This is the seventh time I’ve sat down to write this. Fuck it.

My beautiful Izzy.

In January, a sobbing phone call revealed to me that out of nowhere, my smart, funny, and freakishly kind close friend had died. Suddenly and horrifically. She was barely 39. I still can’t believe it. I can’t see how I am supposed to ever fully recover from this loss. To be honest, I don’t even know if I want to. I sometimes tell myself that the chest pain I get when I think of her, is Izzy lovingly prodding me and laughing when I’m being serious and overly sentimental. It’s all I’ve physically got left of her.

Ten months later, I have only just stopped having full panic attacks at the mere mention of her name. I can’t quite believe I’ve even made it this far into the paragraph. My eyes are blurry, my breaths shallow, and my fingers are heavier to lift as I type. It’s been the most spectacular personal chaos. I feel strongly that a part of me left with her and I’m not sure it will ever return. (I hope it’s at least keeping her company up there.) I have aged significantly and find that I am always several degrees of separation from happy or fully present. I haven’t had a full nights sleep since she left, because I lie in bed every night, dreading that reliable tide of morning grief, where you wake up, forgetting they’re gone, and you dare to feel optimistic for a few minutes, only to be sucker-punched with the memory of that sobbing phone call. It’s like losing her over and over again each day.

Arguably, One of the most harrowing parts of it all might be, that I’ve now become one of those people who cries during Coldplay’s “Fix You.”

That is the first thing I need to forgive myself for…